In a surprise move today the inhabitants of St Micheal’s Mount have declared Independence from Cornwall, in what they call a Kerexit. The new country of ‘Kernow-on-Sea’ will be created and passports issued to those citizens that have sentience, a bit of cash stashed away, and all of their toes.

It is rumoured the passports will have the Cornish tartan on their covers and in no way, said a spokesperson, do they resemble the Devon and Cornwall railcard, only with the words ‘Devon’ and ‘Railcard’ replaced with a sticker which says ‘Passport’.

There will be a dry hard border on the causeway when the tide is out and a moist wet border when it is in. They have yet to decide what sort of border will exist between the tides. Frictionless trade is planned for the importation of pasties and clotted cream, but other ‘English’ foodstuffs will have a tariff imposed, except for beer. And pies. They like pies. There might be a further period of negotiation to decide what else is enjoyed on the island. This could take ages, perhaps even up to next Thursday. 

Foreign relations have not been decided upon, but Denzil Penperthy (the interim Island Prime Minister) after consultation with Trevor, Nigel and Demelza in the Kings Head in Marazion, said…”the English can definitely f*ck off…the Yanks need not apply but we are happy to greet our Celtic cousins from the Atlantic Fringes as long as they bring cider, pork and wenches”. At this news, a cheer could be heard in a few bars in Roscoff. An application has been made to rejoin the EU “but only the nice bits, with sunshine and chips…not those places serving foreign muck” affirmed Denzil. 

The move was a result of Cornwall voting leave in the EU referendum, with the final straw being the election of English Tory MPs throughout the county. To the proud islanders (Denzil and his mates at least) this results in Cornwall being a vassal state of England, a complaint with a long history ever since old Trelawney lived or died*. 

“Tiddint right, tiddint proper..all these bleddy English coming down and voting, then think they own the bleddy place”. When it was pointed out that actually they do, that St Ives is wholly owned by a family from Chelsea, and that Camborne and Redruth were part of a ‘buy one get one free’ deal involving Padstow, a low murmuring could be heard in the snug at the King’s Head. 

“oh, bugger off will ‘ee, and fetch me a pasty from Philps…whose for cakey tea?”

*we can safely say now that he did indeed die. Eventually.

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

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