Life is a box of…

Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq, owner of Wessex and the little village of Much Smattering in the Cotwolds, has announced that the annual thrashing of the peasantry working on his estate, will now take place in full public view on Much Smattering’s village green. To date this little known event has been unreported save for a short sentence after the obituaries and the ‘jam for sale’ advertisements in the village paper, ‘The Smattering Local’. Sources close to the Rees-Mogg’s personal computer have let it be known that since the Johnsonian Westminster coup, toffs all over England have been celebrating with Gin and Insouciance, and now feel emboldened enough to resurrect old feudal traditions such as hanging, flogging and touching up the village maidens. The tradition of ‘droit de siegneur‘ has also been spoken of in the quiet of club bars in London and in the old shire country houses. Shares in companies producing genital wart cream, luxury ribbed condoms and gimp masks have soared at the news, resulting in a bump in GDP by 0.1%.

Lord Codpiece of Fuckthemall Castle, a dear friend and supporter of working class disenfranchisement, was particulary delighted to hear of the more public events planned by ‘The King of Wessex’ as Rees-Mogg is affectionaly known by his mum, and sarcastically known by the lumpen proletariat, although he was just a little disappointed that crucifixion was to be delayed pending further research on its benefits to the Treasury. “I have a big bag of nails and quite a few thorn bushes on my land, should the call come” Codpiece tweeted “so bring ’em on…any contempt or lack of humility and deference will be met with buckshot and whips #Imacunt #Poshprivilege #GodisEnglish”

A lady loves a box of chocolates, it is said. Aristocrats and wannabee toffs are queueing up to offer any available Lady (or boy, or pig) the benefit of their felching attentions knowing that resistance from the pretty yet poor maidens in Northern Towns is now at an all time low. All feminine ‘ports’ are now ‘free ports’ and any entrance is accessible to those blessed with money, entitlement and recourse to a good lawyer in case of any #metoo resistance. Even those ugly enough to scare a wart hog away from his rooting or a dog from his vomit, will benefit. Sir Rees-Mogg’s public thrashing of the peasants will serve to remind the horny handed sons and daughters of toil where exactly their place is.

Boris Johnson, when informed of Sir Rees-Mogg’s intentions, issued a statement “Ah,…indeed it is so…’Gloriana in Semper Rectum’ as my old housemaster used to say in the snug of the ‘Spanker and Sphincter’ in Windsor. Hurrah!”

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

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