Mustique Musing

19th January 2020

Dear Dom.

Mustique. Oh how my old housemaster would have loved it there, if only he could have curtailed his twice weekly felching trips to Soho. “Semper quivering, boy, semper quivering…never forget!”  He’d whisper in the snug in the ‘Nanny and Spanker’ in rain soaked Windsor. 

After the election, a jolly old bit of R and R in the sunshine has done me the power of good. Carrie made me put away the phone, and I did not bother with the papers or the Beeb. I was then able to relax, soak up the sun and think of new ways of using the broken dreams of stupid Northerners in my next campaign. My God you should have seen the beaches here…The problems of Workington are as welcome a thought as a festering polyp on my penis during the saturnalia festivities at the Bullingdon, so thank goodness I have…er, whose the Home Secretary? Patel?, to take care of things back home. 

Now, to business. What’s occurring?

We have to get Brexit done, or some-such. I trust you’ve briefed the Cabinet on their roles? I want to reiterate my position on this. I am the figurehead, the lightening rod if you will. I will say what is required at times to the journos, but the detail I’ll leave to those who give a fuck. 

I heard a whisper or something about Iraq? Iran? Raab is on it I trust? Keep an eye on him, he is as useful as a dead cat in a rusty fire bucket. I’d trust him about as far as I’d trust Jimmy Saville at a 1970’s children’s summer camp in Llandudno. Raab’s got the look of something sharp and pointy in the night about him. So, Iran or Iraq…or Indonesia? Let me know. 

Saj is on top of the budget…so thats’s foreign, home and money taken care of. 

I am apt to wonder what the fuss was about being PM. Being surrounded by the likes of the Saj, Raab and Priti “you looking at me?” Patel, makes the job a piece of piss actually. 

What else is there? Gove? What is he up to? Polishing that arsehole he uses for a mouth no doubt. Mind, I mustn’t complain, I’ve got staff, advisors, the internet and Carrie and her ilk to ease the troubles of the day away. Life is quite peachy right now. We’ve killed socialism stone dead for a decade or perhaps permanently, we’ve got the yanks offering the greatest trade deal, ever. Oh, give H and M a call will you, give them my regards, Was rather fond of M, she was welcome in any of my ‘suits’ at any time. 

So. Is that it? Anything else I should be taking a look at? Australia? 

Mustique. “if you like piña coladas” *sigh*

Pip pip

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

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