“I know more…”

(If you don’t do irony…don’t read this…and if I need to state this to you, you shouldn’t be here).

I have decided to turn my life around.

I am going to start to believe in myself, have confidence and talk myself up. No more nagging self doubt and insecurity. I am going to follow my dreams relentlessly, and be focused on obtaining my goal. I am going to cash in my store of ‘self efficacy‘. I am going to ‘lean in‘ and I am going to develop the 7 habits of highly effective people. I will trust in my resilience and practice mindfulness.

Should I contract a deadly virus, I will engage my positivity and envision a healthy future.

For I have just found out that I actually know more about everything than anybody else.

How do I know this? Well, it is easy. You just have to listen to the best man in the world, a very stable genius, who knows everything about everything and then you will realise that if he can do it, so can you. It just takes hard work, ambition, narcissim, lack of self awareness, inherited wealth, sociopathy and a wig.

It helps if you have an ego so big it blocks out the sun.

On the medical issue of the coronavirus for example:

“You know, my uncle was a great person. He was at MIT. He was a great super genuis. I like this stuff, I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Every one of these doctors said: How do you know so much about this? Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for President”.

This was Donald Trump when visiting the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in March 2020.

It comes on top of his claims to “know more about renewables than any human being on earth“, to “know more about taxes, maybe in the history of the world” and “I know more about ISIS [the Islamic State militant group] than the generals do. Believe me.”

So, here is my list of things to do so that I can also become a very stable genuis but more to the point, to believe that I am, for that is surely the most important thing. Belief.

  1. Click my heels three times and say “I am a genius”.
  2. Start grabbing ‘Pussy’*.
  3. Imitate and Mock disabled people.
  4. Ensure I inherit wealth from my father.
  5. Ensure my father gives me loans and access to trust Funds while he is alive.
  6. Be even handed when dealing with Racists and Nazis.
  7. Tweet.
  8. ‘Punch down’ in my ascerbic and ‘comedic’ comments.
  9. Invoke a ‘conspiracy theory’ should someone get in my way.
  10. Be born white, American, male and extremely affluent with white American, male, extremely affluent friends and colleagues (woman are allowed as long as they are pretty and young and don’t mind a bit of pussy grabbing).

That should do it.

You see, I’m tired of whingers and moaners who complain every day about how life is hard, unfair, unjust and at times just a bit violent. Especially the women and ‘The Ethnics’.

If I think about it, I probably know more about being female than most women on the planet. For a start a woman gave birth to me, I have a sister, a daughter and an Aunt. I have seen women everyday of my life and listened to their chatter. I have read books about women, and studied glossy journals of a photographic nature which has enhanced my anatomical knowledge. I was a registered nurse and even slept with nurses ! I have been present at childbirth, bought tampons and watched ‘Loose Women’ on TV. I have seen two women Prime Ministers and followed a woman Presidential candidate. I married a woman and live with a woman. I’ve watched Mama Mia!, an episode of Sex and the City and followed closely the career of Jennifer Aniston especially since the ‘nipples out’ episodes of Friends. I have offered advice on cooking and cleaning to female partners, colleagues and friends. I know what PMT, Menopause and Exfoliation are.

We are surrounded by women and their habits…and after years of study and experience, I am surely very well placed to know what they are about, even before they know. They are subjective creatures running on emotion and so cannot be relied upon for objectivity. I can. For I know more about objectivity than any philosopher, ever.

As for the Ethnics. Trump is right. He is fond of Ayn Rand as are many ‘successful’ people.

Ayn Rand is the ‘go to’ person here (see I know about women and respect them!). Her ‘theory’ of objectivism** rejects the notion of the noble savage, believing that they are mentally inferior. The founder of the Ayn Rand InstituteLeonard Peikoff, has argued that if we were to “study savages in the jungle”, we would find that they are mentally “undeveloped” and “have no method and no discovery of any control over their minds yet.” Peikoff refers to such “savages” as “imagistic, pre-conceptual … fear ridden, (and) emotional ridden”, with a “primitive type of mind” comparable to a baby or an animal.

The Ethnics have not long come from jungles and so if you place them in modern cities, their undeveloped minds cannot cope. That is why there is violence and incivility in the ghettos. It is why they eat basic foods like rice and chicken perhaps with a chilli, because they do not have the mental capacity to develop a beurre blanc sauce or to create haute cuisine.

So thats it. Nor more apologising, or worrying about social justice, care or fairness, I’m just going to be the best I can be. Trump has shown me the way.

*an Americanism referring to a woman’s pudendal region. Not to be confused with actual cats.

** not to be confused with being objective, a state of mind unreachable for the common working class woman especially.

Sharon McCutcheon

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

One thought on ““I know more…”

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