Letter From Number 10: ‘The Covid Files”

Dear Dom.

I’m thinking of seeing this letter to my subjects. What do you think?

“Well, I did not see that coming. I don’t think anybody did” as my old housemaster used to say to his mistress giving him a furtive ‘under the table’ hand job in the back bar at the Nanny and Spanker in Windsor. 

I’d just like to take this opportunity to say to you all out there at risk (all of you), the front line NHS staff, the retail workers, postal workers, the delivery drivers, the carers, that I’m very well and quite safe here in St Thomas’s and being very well looked after. This experience has taught me that from now on, I’m going to really prioritise the NHS. 

No, really. 

Those pre election promises about 40 hospitals and more nurses…well, we all knew that was electioneering bullshit didn’t we (and thank you for your votes) ? That promise was worth no more than a tinker’s cuss and as half as short lived, I’ll admit. As you know I’m not usually one for spaffing cash up a brothel wall but having this cough and a bit of difficulty breathing has helped me to focus less on channelling cash to my chums in the City and more perhaps on what the little people like you, and like the nurses who work here tirelessly, need every day. 

I apologise in advance for the likes of Raab and Gove coming on the telly to fill in for me. I know it must be very frustrating for them to try and fill my well heeled boots. Raab’s frightened eyes and glistening smooth face resembles a shaven sow’s arse at times ( I have to face that in Cabinet) and Gove’s ability to ooze smug superiority mixed with hubris with all of the charm of a full fat slug on a bed of lettuce, I know is at times a bit much. But rest assured I’ll be back soon. 

And I promise you this. All of the health care staff, and those providing social care, will get a pay rise commensurate with their efforts and the risks they face daily. I will not let this episode go unrewarded. No longer will we underfund the NHS, or cut student nurse numbers, or shaft the junior doctors, or have one of the lowest ITU beds per capita in Europe. I’ll in future answer emails from the EU to ensure we get the equipment we need. I’ll take the word of epidemiologists and infectious diseases experts seriously next time and much faster. We will provide testing, tracing and ensure containment much faster (if we make it). I will be procuring so much PPE in future to ensure that your old mum can wear a N95 every time your old man eats a vindaloo and takes an unplanned liquid dump in his trousers. 

To pay for this all, I’ll be asking the hedge fund managers, the banks, the billionaire chums of mine to cough up some spare change from their offshore accounts, which by the way I’ll end. I’m thinking of a wealth tax and a land value tax. The Dukes of Westminster and Bedford can kiss my red sorry arse if they think they can hoard more cash than can be stuffed into a fat whore’s gusset.

Rest assured the low paid will have insecure working conditions ended, living wages introduced, increases in pension age halted. I will not introduce Austerity as we did in 2010. The only precarious people left in the UK will be those who like to deliberately poke the anus of a cranky crocodile with the liqourice stick of a sherbet dip.

I must go before the morphine starts wearing off, I must say this is quite nice.  

There are some pretty rainbows in the ward….

Pip pip.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

Disclaimer: this was dictated at the PM’s bedside. The Government cannot be held responsible for promises made under the influence of opiates. (D. Cummings).

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

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