Apologies to Coleridge
It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three,
“By thy black beard and quizzical eye,
Now, why hast thou stopped me?”
The ‘Blue Anchor’s’ doors are opened wide,
And I am wont to cross in,
Two pints of middle, to hear the craic,
To make a merry din.
He stops me with a hairy hand,
‘There was a sail !’, quoth he,
‘I have a tale, and with a jug,
I’m sure to share with ‘ee’!
Time holds with both its hands,
I stood, in truth, at ease,
And bade ‘ark to the grizzly tale,
With a jug of Spingo, please!
We chose the blackened hearth to sit,
Two frothy ales at ready,
And thus spake on the ancient tongue
His drink hand keeping steady.
“twas a dark and stormy night,
of course it was!” quoth he,
“for a mariner’s fable such as this,
requires a stormy sea.”
“Old Falmouth town bid farewell,
Its ladies ever sorrow,
At the leaving of the old sea dog
In the shadow of the ‘morrow”.
For truth, it was that maidens fair,
For him, their love heart flickers,
For often times, he’d found safe port
In the harbour of their knickers.
Of maidens, there were not few,
nor maidens’ virtues spared.
A song he’d sing in reverie to each,
A love he’d long declared.
“Madam, I’ll be oft away,
To sea born fortune hunt!
Upon return I’ll seek you out,
You’ve such a pretty…”
The sail was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Beyond the lighthouse top,
Beneath the sky and white topped clouds
ne’er fair bound breezes stop.
The sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.
Upon the prow, the dolphins splashed
The sea turned black with fish,
Mackerel shimmered in the light,
But better in the dish.
Bigger ships and smaller minds
Sail upon the ocean wave
Delivering the fruit of global graft
The wealth of men to save.
Land locked folk and sea born ship
Upon the oceans sit,
Yet daily and without a thought
It’s where we dump our shit.
These thoughts were never all that far,
As noise in head would hum,
But recompense comes in all shapes,
As ‘baccy, maids and rum.
“South and West, the going good,
The mast saw many noons,
And in the blackest starlight nights
The mast saw many moons.”
“The wind was fair, the sea was good,
For cares, I had not a jot,
Yet, upon the flying jib on high
A shadow cast a blot.”
“My crew was of one other man,
Of ego bigger than the sea,
Of all the rules of sailing fair, he thought
“they don’t apply to me”.
“We passed Azores, and I avowed,
In suffering I’m sure of that,
And at the first safe anchor’s port,
I’ll rid me of that twat”.
“Sailing single, all alone
Is heaven, I’ll not quibble,
I’d rather have my anus poked
Than listen to his drivel.”
Just then a pretty Helston maid, into the bar did tread,
And spake with voice so fair, the mariner’s heart stopped dead,
“Go on ! “ Says I “go on good sir, to tell your your tale so bold”
”Aye” quoth he, his eyes aflame with mem’ries of conquests old.
Then misty eye’d, his compass points now forever south,
When once the magnets quivered, at a pretty red lipped mouth.
“Oh, aye, we sailed at dawn,
We sailed at noon and night,
No islands did we see,
No monsters give us fright.”
“Forsooth on trade winds blew,
A shape appeared to follow,
Our every tack, our every gybe,
Saith he, “s’not a fucking swallow”
“Tiz a bleddy shite hawk man,
Tiz hungry, tired and scary,
Keep those pasties down below
Of him, we’ll both be wary”.
“Yet sorrow in my heart I felt,
For the birds long lonely passage,
I coaxed it down and without a frown
I fed it rum and sausage.”
In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
The shite hawk it did follow,
And every day for food or play,
Came to the mariner’s hollo!
“One night, my crewman full of spunk,
Did think it would be funny,
To feed the unsuspecting bird
With poisoned toast and honey”
“He laughed and jeered at dead of night
Quothe he, of it, we’ll not dread,
For tonight I have saved us all,
I killed the gull stone dead!”
Part 2
“Safe in a tropic bay, with sunshine at my back,
At anchor we did softly sway,
With a belly full of pork and rum
I thought I’d have my say”.
“And to his dumbstruck face said I,
Birds are harbingers of luck,
It does no good to kill them all,
So off, this boat, please fuck”.
“Alone at last, I put the past,
And in my mind a message:
I’ll find a port, and all for sport
I’ll kiss a heaving cleavage.”
Forsooth and in sunny Bay
The rum and samba flowed,
I found a bar, a guiding star,
And treasure there was stowed”
“Her name was Margarita,
From heaven she was sent,
She jumped my bones and sucked me dry
Of everything I spent.”
“Day after day, night after night,
No work for me, nor breath nor motion,
I lay as idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.”
“She worked her nimble fingers fair,
She worked her bosoms fairer,
No main main mast of a fighting ship
Matched mine for being harder”
“Days went by and so the weeks,
And never did I shrink,
Water, water everywhere
But Rum, it was to drink”
“Yet God in heaven will not be mocked
He knows all and sees
Those who for herring gull care
And those who him displease”
“I was not that man, it was not me
Who fed the bird the honey,
God did not care, so to me he said,
“Give to me the money”
“God works in mysterious ways,
His orders to perform,
He called upon that dark haired maid
To avenge the avian crime”
‘Ah, well a day, what evil comes
Had I from one so young,
Instead of the cross, An Albatross
About my neck was hung”
“The bird of which I now I do speak,
Does not the oceans fly
It comes in form of dark betrayal
It comes in form of lie”
Stunned at that soft and dreadful word
At this, the Cornish bar did creak.
‘Go on’ saith I, ‘I have not yet heard’’
Your tale of woe, so speak!’
But t’was not doing while Spingo glass lay bare
So I ordered another two and then another two to spare.
“It was a dark and stormy night again,
It always is I swear,
Early home I came one night
And saw her buttocks bare”
“Her back to me, her buttocks rose
Rhythmically and true
Upon the main mast of a man-o-war
Whose cannon roared, I knew”
“Her boat came closer to his ship,
But I nor spake nor stirred,
Her boat came close atop his ship,
And I her throaty love voice heard.”
“Stunned by that loud and dreadful sound,
Which sky and ocean smote,
Like one that has seven days drowned,
My body lay afloat,
But swift dreams, myself I found
Within another boat”
“I vowed that day to sail away,
To lands where no man stands
To watch a maiden dark give quite so readily
To another bastard’s hands”.
“And yet, and yet, it is the world
That gives as it doth take,
“I’ll find another harbour safe,
my rum soaked thirst to slake”
“My money’s gone and with it pride,
And yet my shame will pass,
But if I catch my crewmate at the ebb
I’ll shove a seagull up his arse”
What loud uproar burst in the door,
The Spingo drinkers gather,
In the snug, and in the garden
A wedding party linger,
And hark the the little church bell
Which biddeth us to prayer.
“Fuck that, my friend, this soul hath been
Alone on a wide wide sea:
So lonely ’twas that God himself
Said “fuck you” to me!”
“O sweeter than a marriage feast,
’Tis sweeter far to me,
To sit in the Blue Anchor’s bar
With rum and company.”
The mariner’s eyes did glaze,
A memory it flickers,
There’s a maiden fair in Falmouth town
His mind is in her knickers.
A fair wind blows and a foul wind too,
Vagaries, chance and its
long established folklore now,
‘Don’t mix Gold and Tits’.
The mariner, whose eye is bright
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone: And now I look to the bar
And turn towards the door.
I walked like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn,
A sadder and wiser man,
I rose the morrow morn.
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