And now for the weather….Tim?

“…and I quote….’beats me how anybody with a functioning brain cell can still believe this total pile of medieval theocratic shite written by a bunch of gullible, misogynist desert dwelling pork dodgers, he said…with the microphone still on! The Archbishop has since resigned. And now for the weather, it’s over to Tim. And what can we expect today Tim?”

“oh, come on Samantha, don’t play the dizzy blond with me, you are better than that. Ok, if that’s the game… Today, with high pressure still dominating….oh, sorry I can’t do this, I really can’t. When I was kid I had dreams of doing something meaningful with my life rather than standing in front of the same weather map day after day spouting the same pointless predictable drivel about how ‘hot and sunny with a few light breezes and a top temperature of ‘thirty six who gives a shit degrees’ it is going to be. I implore you just look out of the window when you get up and there is your weather right there. It ain’t going to change. I’ve seen geological eras change faster than the weather. I’ve seen fossils form, the evolution of the eye and my slow lingering inevitable descent into piss stained senility and total irrelevance and still the sun shines. One thousand drunk chimpanzees randomly banging away at mechanical typewriters will complete MacBeth, I will rediscover my virginity intact in a gift box under the stairs and Boris Johnson will discover the virtues of humility and monogamy before it rains. So, yes Samantha, you can expect sunshine, lots of it…all over the place bar one’s chocolate starfish”

“Thank you Tim, always nice to hear your cheery, and colourful, forecasts. You’re a hoot! And finally…. “if the answer is ‘rum, bum and buggery’ what was the question?” has been dropped as the opening question in the admissions interview for Officer cadets at Royal Naval College, Dartmouth.

Published by Lance Goodman

Freelance writer, bon vivant and all-round good oeuf.

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